"Human behavior flows from three main sources: desire, emotion, and knowledge."
_{~ Plato}
_________________________

S

Shion could feel every taste bud on Nezumi's tongue as he kissed him with searing languor. Entangled in his fingers, locks of raven black hair brushed against his skin. A silken touch that instilled a silent sense of awe from deep within him. Shion's eyes fluttered behind closed eyelids, white lashes casting shadows on matured cheekbones. Each motion felt like a perfect step from a well-memorized waltz. Harmonious and fluid. Forwards and backwards. Almost a tidal rhythm exuberant in every dizzying movement. Nezumi did not hold back. He met him with every flick of tongue, every graze of teeth and every touch of Shion's trembling lips. The more Shion ventured the deeper he wanted to wade in. The closer he got, the less sufficient it felt. He felt every inch of his body react to Nezumi; to his smell, his touch, his taste. Shion felt famished.

The hand on his thigh seemed to set his skin on fire. It left aching trails of goosebumps in its wake; each a scintilla of flames that were beginning to kindle within him, as the hand languidly moved up over his pants. Higher. Higher. Higher… over the swell of his hipbone and around his waist. Shion was practically in Nezumi's arms.

It was not enough.

Nezumi's breath between each lengthy kiss tingled on his lips, stealing shivers from him as it fanned against his sensitive skin. Shion chanced an ephemeral gaze at Nezumi through heavy eyelids. The sight of pure concentration and dulcet oblivion in his expression made his breath catch in his throat. His heart skipped a beat and his hand in Nezumi's hair tightened. He had never seen such an ineffably serene look on Nezumi's face. Even when he was asleep–Shion had watched him sleep many times–he had never looked so peaceful, so staggeringly beautiful. Nezumi wanted this. He wanted it as much as Shion did. Shion felt his heart swell and throb painfully hard against his chest.

The shift in Nezumi's position pulled Shion in. Nezumi lay down on his back, dragging Shion with him by the neck as he refused to part with his lips. Shion was of similar mind as he dazedly followed his retreating body. He placed a hand on the bed right next to Nezumi's head while the other tentatively touched Nezumi's face. Leaning in, Shion experimented with the new angles hovering over Nezumi allowed him to try. Soon after, his hand protested, carrying his entire weight and the pressure added by Nezumi's pull. Shion lowered himself onto Nezumi as he balanced himself on his left arm. His fingers once more buried themselves in his hair as Shion shuddered at the sensation when he felt the warmth of Nezumi's body beneath him. His lips parted and a shaky gasp and a tremulous sigh that followed rushed through the kiss and brushed against Nezumi's mouth.

Opening his eyes, Shion met Nezumi's ethereal gaze. The light of the bedside lamps accented the numinous grace of his face. His eyelashes looked like tiny trails of ink vestige; framing those pair of luminescent grey eyes Shion had loved since the day he had first seen them. His skin was pale and unexpectedly smooth. Shion thought he must have shaved when he had had a shower in his bathroom that morning. His fingertips traced the prominent lines of his transcendental features. Across his eyebrows, down his cheekbones, slipping past his jaw line and coming to a hesitant stop over his reddened lips. Glancing into his eyes, Shion idly wondered if Nezumi was about to tease him for his actions. He certainly didn't look as thoroughly spellbound as Shion felt. He thought he would not care even if Nezumi teased him. This was the first time he had ever been as close to Nezumi that he could see every speck and pore of his skin and he wanted nothing more than to take his time, to extend this evening by hours, days.. years if possible and never leave Nezumi's arms.

Inhaling a long breath, Shion filled his lungs with the sweet smell of vanilla and Nezumi's own scent. He knew this scent so well; every fiber of his being was jolted awake by it. He had been helplessly drawn to it every night he had laid beside him in a cramped bed, shunned in an underground room that was filled with thousands of books in the West Block. His eyes closed as he held his breath and leaned in once more to kiss him.

He had kissed only Nezumi his entire life so he didn't have much to go by in terms of experience but he had noticed that every time it happened, it felt different than all the other instances. If it was what he was feeling–what they were feeling– that determined the nature of a kiss, Shion fleetingly thought that this was going to be something to behold. Heat was pooling into his lap, spreading through his nerves and prickling across his skin. Shion felt his kiss gain momentum as he felt Nezumi's warmth envelope him. Something close to euphoria swept his mind clean of all thoughts and idle wondering. For the first time since he met Nezumi, Shion allowed his instincts take ahold of him and for a split second the desire to be evermore closer to him became the only notion he could think of. His hips jerked forward in an involuntary motion. The movement sent waves of mind-numbing pleasure across his whole body, stealing a hoarse whimper that tumbled over his lips and Shion was suddenly brought back to his senses. He broke the kiss with a gasp, let go of Nezumi and quickly pulled back. His eyes were wide open and his face was flushed up to his ears. He sat on his heels between Nezumi's legs, ran the back of his hand over his mouth while the other fell limp on his lap as he tried to understand what had just happened. He couldn't look Nezumi in the eyes, he couldn't talk, he couldn't think.

He knew he had crossed the line.

N

He remained curious, enraptured, drawn in.. even now. How was it that Shion could retain that aberrant nature of his even in a moment like this? Nezumi hadn't the slightest clue; honestly, it was beyond him. But then again, wasn't that how Shion had always been: an open book written in a dead language. No matter how many times Nezumi read between the lines, judged them backward and forward, or changed his perspective, he would never grasp all of what was presented. The same way letters could become just about anything depending on the order—that was Shion. Only in brief hours did he reveal some hidden truth, the real side of himself amongst all the confusion, before sealing it away once more.
..But at least, his actions were honest.
Shion's heart thumped loudly against his rib-cage barely hovering above Nezumi. The rhythm of his sank up with Nezumi's, and that beautiful thundering resounded within him. It was a reminder that this was real, that Shion, alive with hot blood coursing through his veins, was truly wrapped up in his arms.
No tricks. No dreams. No memories.
Just reality.

With all the angles Shion was going at, it felt a bit like being analyzed—not that he was against it. Actually, there was something playful about the way Shion went about things. His gestures and the way he seemed to keep resetting his position time after time made it clear: he was looking for the best kiss from his new vantage point. If Nezumi had known just how much fun it would be to entertain Shion's fascination with him, he'd have tried this out years ago. (Mind you, that was a joke.)
But finally, Shion had sank himself down, closing the small gap between their bodies. Pressed together, mere slips of fabric remained their only boundaries. How thick such thin threads felt with tensions on a steady rise. If he wanted, Nezumi realized, he could simply unhook his fingers from those belt loops and slip his hand up Shion's back, beneath his shirt, and feel against that burning skin. It'd be easy, especially without much protest.. from either party. But he knew better, so instead, he slid his hand upward, trailing along Shion's spine through the material, fingers dipping in between his shoulder blades before abruptly clutching his shirt.. at the sound of that gasp.
'Fuck, Shion..' It was a misstep on his part, a hidden ability he hadn't even considered. But why hadn't he thought of it? It wasn't as if Shion had ever displayed some lack of vocal ability. His voice had always been relatively pleasant—sure, a bit like a buzzing bee in his ear during their younger years, but still.. And now, there was a different set to it when it hit a higher pitch mid-gasp along with a contrast at the sigh, a lower bar: the best of both registers.
Nezumi swallowed hard.

Cutting through the fragile darkness, grey eyes found Shion's gaze, locked onto him, fixed—ever so fixed.
Lying beneath Shion, chest rising and falling, hair sprawled out against the pillow, Nezumi drank in the way the light illuminated Shion's intentions, the way it revealed a darker, yet alluring, side of his adoration. Fingertips, inquisitive as ever, traced along minor details. Anyone else would have been slapped away, but the way Shion's eyes chased after his own fingertips made the entire act seem.. enchanting. When those digits rested lightly on Nezumi's lips, he greeted them with soft kisses, eyes still caught on Shion as he slipped his own hand away from the other man's hair and knitted his fingers between Shion's. Pulling those curious hands away, he teased lowly, "Now, your highness, give me my sin again." As if by cue, Shion was leaning in once more—another kiss was beginning, but something felt.. different. The intensity had increased in those fickle moments before, perhaps in Shion or maybe in Nezumi, himself. Hard to say—well, until all at once, Shion ground his hips down against Nezumi's, a low whine escaping him.
His eyes fluttered open abruptly. Nezumi was taken by surprise—no, not by the motion itself, but by the fact that Shion had broken away. There was half a bed's distance between them already.
Sitting up, Nezumi almost let out an exasperated sigh, well, before he took note of just how terrified Shion looked.
"Shion.." There wasn't an ounce of annoyance in his voice, instead, his tone was gentle. Dammit, this wasn't the reaction he had expected in the least. He shifted, sliding across the distance, until they were face-to-face again. Even with Shion's head down, heat spread from his cheeks up to his ears; the red contrasted heavily against the stark white of his hair, seemed that would always be his color scheme. Nezumi reached a hand outward and tugged that stubbornly clamped palm from over Shion's mouth. He tipped up Shion's chin, guiding the other to look him in the eye.
"Why'd you stop?" Not a hint of sarcasm nor a speck of ridicule touched his tone, it was just a question: inflection at the end and a lack of understanding through the rest. Nezumi honestly couldn't grasp why Shion had jerked away from him like that. Was this an case of 'too fast' or 'too soon'? Or was he just 'not ready' or 'not sure'? What caused him to try and practically leap out of his—oh! Realization spread across Nezumi's features—maybe, he was a bit flattered, too, or maybe, he figured now was the time to call Shion a fool.
'You waited..' The thought came to mind as his hand slipped from Shion's chin, lightly stroking the curl of his fingers along Shion's burning cheek. 'You waited for me.. to be the first.'

"Shion," He began again—before licking his slightly sore lips, "if this isn't what you want.. It's alright to stop." 'I'd never force you to do something like this.. If you don't want it, then I won't lay a finger on you..' "But if you do want to keep going.." Nezumi smiled, not a lewd one that held promises of vulgar delights, but a somewhat.. charming one that swore Shion would be in good hands. "Then you don't need to hold back."

S

Shion did not know how to close the distance between them again. He didn't know how he could take those last two minutes backs and continue kissing Nezumi without doing the same mistake; without showing him that selfish, inconsiderate side of him. He couldn't look up from the bed, eyes wide and fixed on a tangle of creases on the linens they were sitting on. The ache between his legs was gratingly strong but his shame was much stronger.

Nezumi had returned that very morning. It hadn't even been a full twelve hours since Shion had found him standing under the pouring rain with his head raised towards the leaden sky. They had not seen one another for four years. For four years, they had had no means of communication or any brief meetings. After four, incredibly long years, this was the first time Shion had finally reunited with Nezumi… and he had lost control. He had gone too far. He had let Nezumi see that he was longing for him just like his very many fans all around the world did. Vulgarly. Rudely. Tactlessly. He had acted on his desire to be close to him without permission.

Nezumi sat up and scooted over the bed towards him. Shion's hand flattened over the front of his pants, trying to hide what he felt was obvious. His other hand was over his own mouth as if he couldn't believe what he had just done. Nezumi pulled it away. Shion's gaze fled away from Nezumi's face as he tilted his chin up. He could not look at him. Embarrassment churned bitter in his stomach.

— "Why'd you stop?"

There was no anger in his words. No blame. No accusation. There was only a curious tone of tenderness imbued in the natural beauty of his voice. Shion chanced a fleeting glance into his eyes before he felt his face burn more fiercely and looked down at his hands sitting on his lap.

Why was Nezumi asking this? As if.. as if he was implying it was acceptable to… continue?

Shion felt his heart throb. How was he going to reply to him? How could he explain to him that for years.. years he had dreamed about him, only him; his unearthly face that took his breath away, his ethereal eyes Shion would never be able to forget, the warmth of his hands he could still feel on his skin, the memory of the voice that seeped into him like the lazy prickling of rainwater in night clad caves… How would he explain to him that he had weakly, selfishly betrayed his memory; that he had undone every boundary and restriction between them in the blazing haze of his mind and the slow burning ache in his heart, here, right on this very bed in nights of utter solitude and when the longing he felt for him was enough to suffocate him where he lay? How would he ever be able to tell him that he yearned from him like no man ever yearned for someone else and yet he would continue living out his life without ever laying a finger on him if he didn't want it and that he would not think twice about it? Would Nezumi understand… would his silver gaze lock onto his, as effortlessly as it always did; would it reach deep inside him and find his strongest desires, his darkest secrets, truest intentions and see that Shion wanted nothing more in the world, than he wanted his love? Even more than he wanted him?

.Nezumi's fingers brushed against his cheek. Shion's felt his throat tighten with things he could not say. He wanted to apologize. To tell him that he was sorry for not knowing what to do. For not being able to control the part of him that wanted to do it nevertheless. For not being able to look him in the eye. For one more time, not being his equal.

"Shion…"

Nezumi's voice came in a low, gentle rush in his ears. Shion's heart skipped a much needed beat as it always did upon hearing Nezumi say his name. He would never be able to not answer that call. He would never be able to leave Nezumi waiting after he called his name. Shion forced himself to raise his head and meet his gaze. Nezumi's expression threw him off balance. The compassion in his features and the warmth in his liquid silver eyes made his hands shake.

"If this isn't what you want.. It's alright to stop… But if you do want to keep going.."

Nezumi smiled. Shion felt as if a warm, soft cloth was wrapped around him. Heat rushed in his veins, raising the hair on his skin, making his blood boil. He incredulously felt himself stiffen beneath his hands over the front of his pants.

"…Then you don't need to hold back." Nezumi finished and Shion saw truth in his eyes. He meant every word of it. He was saying it was alright to let go. He was saying it was alright to touch him the way Shion had been craving to touch him for years… to kiss him the way he had always dreamed of kissing him. To… to be as close to him as two people could possibly be. Shion searched his eyes for the faintest hint of hesitation, vaguest notion of reluctance, and any sign that might imply he was only doing this for him. But he had felt the way Nezumi was kissing him. He had heard his breath hitch and his heart race before Shion had ground into him. Shion's whole body had shuddered at the feel of Nezumi's hand roaming his back, at the honey-sweet taste of his tongue in his mouth. He was as lost in the feeling as Shion had been. Well… just more in control.

Shion swallowed hard.

"I… do… I do want it. I always have. But I don't…" he grimaced as a fresh wave of embarrassment tinted his cheeks red. "… I don't know what I am doing." He looked down at his hands. "I don't know where I should stop. I don't know what is okay to do and what isn't. I don't know how to go with it either. I… I do want you. Nezumi… I want you so much I feel like it is killing me. You are here… you are here with me now and I've waited so long for this. But I am so scared that I will do something wrong and you will—"

N

The struggle Shion had against locking gazes made it clear: behind those bright eyes were emotions, tons of them, all dancing about: easy to recognize, easy to decipher, like reading a familiar page from a well-known fable. Just one glance would lay it all out for Nezumi, reveal exactly what had caused Shion to jerk away so fiercely. But he kept his head ducked for the longest, hiding all his feelings, and Nezumi couldn't help the bit frustration his reluctance caused—'Look at me, dammit!' There was a wash of relief, though, the moment he finally caught Shion's eye. And right there, he could tell just like that: their feelings really were the same. Shion wanted this just as much, if not more, than Nezumi.
But when Shion finally spoke, it was like a dam breaking. Suddenly, all these honest and sincere fears, worries, and concerns were spilling from his mouth rapidly. Nezumi was blind-sighted. He didn't have some prepared comeback or witty response because just like that, his mind had gone blank: clean slate, empty canvas. It lasted for a second, just an instant before everything caught up and poured over him at once. Averting his eyes, he tried to find the right words. What could he say to all of that? It wasn't as if these feelings were new. There had been confessions, promises, and Shion had even once been determined to leave everything behind and follow him to the ends of the earth. Shion had always lo—well, cared about him, and Nezumi was no different. But hearing it now, hearing it all out right like this.. it felt—and he was stumped. How did he feel?
..Maybe, a bit embarrassed. Overwhelmed, for sure. But also, he felt.. a tightness in his chest, a feeling that reinforced that desire. It kept his hand on Shion's cheek, kept him in place, but also.. kept him silent.
There wouldn't be any teasing. Considering how embarrassed he felt from all this, it was clear that he shouldn't be screwing around with Shion now of all times, even as he flinched, flustered, and fidgeted right in front of Nezumi. As tempting as it was to project a little, he just couldn't not that it kept him from wanting to mutter a low, 'you can't hide it now' in regards to Shion's hand placement. The fact remained that the pair of them were antsy enough without his smart-ass remarks, and truth be told, actions spoke louder than words at this point, so he wasn't about to try and make light of the situation. They just needed to dive in, let their bodies be candid with one another.
And maybe the delay was just adding to all the other emotions. He was getting irritated—no, not irritated, more like, impatient. 'You talk too much, Shion. It's not rocket science.'
Still, he listened, listened as calmly as he could until he had enough of the stammering, until he knew Shion was just running around in circles looking for some golden answer, like a dog chasing its own tail before realizing it's been attached the whole time. Shion already knew all he needed to know on the subject. The rest was all hands on learning.

Nezumi slid his hand along the curve of Shion's scar, curled his fingers in that soft, snowy hair, and drew himself to Shion, closing the distance without batting an eyelash. He was done with all Shion's prattling, with all his babbling. He made his point, and that was the end of it. That mouth of his had much better uses, Shion had already proven that, so Nezumi bypassed the sweet steps and kissed him hard. The pair of them toppled over, and he claimed the dominant position this time.
"Don't think," He muttered, pressing his forehead against Shion's for a brief moment, a small prelude before he put himself to work. Grey eyes searched for understanding, before he smiled, "Just feel." Nezumi tipped his head to the side, parted Shion's lips and let his tongue run across the other man's, teasing him into action. It wasn't a power struggle, more so, a simple performance of improvised steps, a game of just doing what felt good, what felt right.
He broke away from the kiss, tugging Shion's bottom lip along with him, then releasing it with a slight smack as he lowered himself to kissing over Shion's chin and down his neck. Smirking all the while against that scarred band, he trailed his lips across Shion's throat, searching for the perfect spot, the best place to leave his mark. And when he found it, his teeth raked across it before rolling the skin and sucking on it; he had to leave a good reminder for Shion, one that he'd feel the moment he woke up, so he'd remember, so he'd know this all happened.
His eyes flickered upward to drink in Shion's expression. This was a first time experience, one he'd have to commit to memory.. though there would be quite a few more to see tonight.
Letting go of the abused skin, Nezumi nudged the fresh mark with his lips. Even against that red snake, it showed brightly, boldly—just as intended. But this wasn't the time to admire his work, not yet, he had to finish up completely. Only when he had Shion lying flat on his back, fully spent, shivering from post-orgasm, could he take any pride in his work.

But that meant it was finally time to get to work—no more fooling around. All this was mere child's play compared to what he had in mind, and thus, he sat up, sliding one of his legs over the edge leaving the other knee bent on the bed. Leaning forward, he kept his eyes fixed on Shion, appraising his already frazzled state with a knowing smile, and all at once, he slipped his hands beneath Shion's thighs, jerking him down to the edge as well, pulling both his legs fully over the side of the bed. Much better, but.. they were closer now, dangerously close. Nezumi could feel Shion's heart pounding, could see the anticipation in his eyes—one of them was prepared, but Nezumi wasn't sure if it was him.
'One more, just one more.' His hands drew upward cupping Shion's cheeks, and no doubt, there was an unfamiliar look in his eyes, one that spoke the words he hadn't before, ones he would probably not say for months, maybe even a year; but, one day, he'd let the words find a voice, just not today. He kissed Shion just as feverishly as before, draping his arms over Shion's shoulders, messing his hair, all in a brisk manner, before tearing himself away. With a lick of his lips, Nezumi let his hands glide down Shion's chest, stomach, down to his waist, as he sank down from the bed, onto the floor, until he was knelt before of Shion.
"Your majesty, I have but a humble request." Retracting his fingers from Shion, he drug them through his loose hair, tossing it back over his shoulders a bit. "Mind hold it up for me?" 'Since I know you wouldn't have the gall to grab it yourself.

Part VI